


Loved You a Long Time (and I Wish I had Known Sooner)

by bbubbleddae



Series: moon and stars; exo ship oneshot series [9]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 07:14:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11573058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbubbleddae/pseuds/bbubbleddae
Summary: “Listen to me, and believe me when I say this. I love you. I’ve loved you for a thousand years. And I will love you a thousand more to come. Whatever happened to us then, or what happens to us now, that remains forever true."





	Loved You a Long Time (and I Wish I had Known Sooner)

**Author's Note:**

> aahh this took me such a long time, i'm so so sorry for the wait!! i will say, i'm semi-happy with this, i ended up not sticking with a plan at all an just writing as i went so... but i did reach my highest word count which is cool :D anyway i hope y'all enjoy the beautiful ship that is 2jong <33

* * *

Byun Baekhyun is just so _irritating_.

He’s just so… _perfect_ , first of all. There’s not one damn flaw in that boy, and yet, he is so irritating and oh god, do not even get Jongin started on how well Baekhyun _knows_ that he’s _that_ perfect. Byun Baekhyun is gorgeous, talented, and sure he has his occasional moments where his heart is in the right place for others. His smile is perfect, his body is perfect, and oh his _voice_.

And still, more than anything, he irritates the hell out of Jongin — who would be Baekhyun’s ex. Maybe it's the very fact that they were together once, that Jongin despises the smaller male so much now. It doesn't help that they're still in the same friend group and it fucks up with everything every time they fight.

Right now, Baekhyun is boasting about his new boyfriend and how _perfect_ he is and how good he is to Baekhyun. It sounds like he’s trying to tell Jongin, _He is so so much better than you, even as a human being._ Does it offend Jongin? Not really, if anything, but does Baekhyun _have_ to shove it in everyone’s fucking faces? Especially Jongin’s? It’s a rather bitchy move and Jongin hates it.

He looks on his other friends around them, curious on whether they're just as annoyed as Jongin is. Chanyeol is most _definitely_ pissed off about it, every time Baekhyun so much as says the guy’s name — Kyungsoo — Chanyeol rolls his eyes and quietly huffs. Minseok would pats his hand each time, though he is also mildly annoyed.

Junmyeon seems to be listening, but for all Jongin knows he could be screaming on the inside. Junmyeon has always been good at hiding his thoughts and feelings, considerate of those around him before himself.

Those are the only three with Baekhyun and Jongin, right now. Sehun is off partying somewhere, maybe high and/or drunk. He is not an addict though, but he has always been a very free spirited type of person. If he wants to get drunk, he’ll get his hands on any hard liquor and do it. If he wants to get himself high, he (somehow) gets marijuana, and smokes as much as he feels like. Though he is never high or drunk when he's around their group of friends, unless it's a party they're going to together.

Luhan is in China right now, visiting his family, which would explain Minseok’s clinginess to Chanyeol — his best friend and ex boyfriend. He has been with Luhan for a solid year, having moved on well from being with Chanyeol. Not that they had a horrible relationship, they're clearly still best friends now. They just weren't good as a romantic couple. (How it took them nearly another year to figure that out, Jongin will never know).

Jongdae _was_ working a bit ago, but in the corner of his eye, Jongin sees the said male come into the small café with rain wet hair. Ease comes over Jongin’s body at the sight of his best friend. He’s so late, and Jongin could yell at Jongdae for it. Jongin won’t though, Jongdae’s new job _is_ busy work, he can't exactly blame Jongdae for it.

Their eyes lock, and Jongdae’s mouth turns in a grin that immediately distracts Jongin from Baekhyun’s still incessant talking and bragging. Jongdae quickly moves toward the table they're sitting at, squeezing Junmyeon’s shoulder before continuing next to Jongin. He pulls up a chair and sits himself down, stopping Baekhyun in the process. (Which Jongin could not be more grateful for).

Jongdae chuckles. “What, please continue, Byun. Don’t let my arrival stop you.”

Baekhyun smiles almost too sickly sweet. “Oh, no, I was just thinking how you were missing out on an _amazing_ conversation here.”

“What ‘amazing’ conversation?” Jongin scoffs.

Glares from the whole table — besides Jongdae — are stabbed right through Jongin. All scream _don't fucking go there, Kim._ Especially Baekhyun, who looks like he might turn beat red and have smoke coming from his ears.

“Like you have a say,” Baekhyun mutters.

Jongin bangs the table with his hands, catching the attention from the other customers and startling his friends at the table. He _seethes_. “I think I fucking do, Byun. You better shut your mouth before one of us does something we regret.”

This is what pisses Jongin off most about Baekhyun. He doesn't let _anyone_ have an opinion that isn't his own, and if you said nothing the entirety of the conversation, then you have no opinion. One of the many reasons they broke up, Jongin couldn't have any opinion unless they shared one. Little fucking manipulative Byun Baekhyun. How does he even have a boyfriend as perfect as whoever this guy is? He must be _really_ tolerant and have every intent to straighten Baekhyun out (oh a blessing that would be).

“Jong, calm down,” Chanyeol says quietly, almost afraid of snapping Jongin more. He should be. An angry Jongin is not something you want to cause, nor keep on. “This isn't a good—” Minseok shushes him, however.

“So, _Baekkie_ , when are we meeting this boyfriend of yours? I wanna know what prick is dumb enough to date you.” Jongin clenches his fists.

Baekhyun _fucking_ smirks. “Apparently you were.”

Jongin shoots out of his seat to practically strangle Baekhyun. He almost makes it, but Jongdae has his hand on Jongin’s arm, and his tugging on Jongin to sit back down. Junmyeon gives Jongin a look, one that says _it’s not worth it_. Even Minseok’s and Chanyeol’s expression scream not to cause more of a scene than they already have. So, Jongin sighs, sits, and avoids eye contact with everyone.

There is not too much conversation after that. Baekhyun stops talking about his boyfriend, surprisingly, and allows others to talk instead. Jongdae animatedly goes on about his job and how talented the celebrities he's working with actually are, and how he wishes he could achieve that. He is a music producer and lyricist, but in Jongin’s honest opinion, he should have become a singer. Jongdae has a voice of an angel, and he would have had an opportunity if he didn't turn down that audition from months ago.

After a long while of the atmosphere being lightened, Jongin begins to feel clingy, and his head resorts to resting on Jongdae’s shoulder. He has always done that, only with Jongdae though. Jongdae would look over at Jongin each time, smile adoringly, and pet Jongin’s head. He does the same thing again, when Jongin places his head atop Jongdae’s shoulder, and it makes Jongin giddy. Only his best friend can make Jongin feel that way.

When everyone else is rather distracted and Jongin and Jongdae grow quiet (at least amongst the others), Jongdae whispers to Jongin; “You wanna bail?”

Jongin lifts his head, smiling. “Maybe.”

“Come on, I wanna spend time with you, Nini, I miss you.”

“Okay, okay,” Jongin chuckles. “Can we go to your place?”

“Anything you want, kid.”

“I’m only two years younger than you.”

 

  
Jongin sprawls himself on Jongdae’s couch, on his stomach, as soon as they arrive. He lets out an exasperated sigh.

“Hey, you big lunk, don't take up all the space.”

A grin appears on Jongin’s face and he purposely stretches over the couch. “But I’m so comfy, hyung.”

Jongin hears some shuffling and closes his eyes. He feels a light kick at his side. Jongin whines in response, yet he doesn't move from the couch. An elongated hum exits from Jongdae before he flops himself on top of Jongin. The younger male lets out an _umf_ at the impact, then Jongdae’s fingers start poking at his sides. Jongin screams and squirms, arms squashing Jongdae’s moving hands and legs trying to kick Jongdae (and not succeeding).

“Hyung!”

“Punishment for taking all the space,” whispers Jongdae, stopping for a moment, with a smirk hinted in his voice.

“Ooh, kinky.”

With that comment, Jongdae starts again and Jongin laughs hysterically, attempting to wriggle out from Jongdae’s grasp. The elder’s thighs straddling him however, clench tighter on Jongin’s hips, trying to stop Jongin from squirming any more.

Soon, Jongin is out of breath and Jongdae’s way of torture ends, and Jongdae is simply laying atop of Jongin, with an airy grin.

Jongin sighs after a while of complete silence. “I missed this.” he mutters just loud enough for Jongdae.

“What, me tickling you to death?” Jongdae snorts.

“No, just spending time with you.”

Jongdae hums. “Glad I’m not the only one, then.”

It’s been months since Jongin and Jongdae had some time alone together. They've had time with their friends, in a group together, but not like this in a long time. They have been best friends since middle school, and strangely enough in their ten years of friendship, they hadn’t been so preoccupied in their lives than they have been. With Jongdae’s new job, and Jongin graduating from Uni this year, it’s been difficult to find the time.

Luckily, Jongdae at last saw perfect opportunity to leave their group of friends for the night, and it's the weekend now so they can be lazy all they want tomorrow.

Jongin really loves the sound of that right now.

“I’m hungry.” Jongin says bluntly.

“Aish, I suppose we’ll have to cook then.”

 

 

After eating and watching a horror movie (which Jongin practically hid his face in Jongdae’s arm the whole time), the both of them took turns taking showers, Jongdae first and Jongin last. Jongdae throws Jongin a pair of sweatpants that are too long for him when Jongin comes out of the shower with nothing but a towel and dripping water down his tan skin.

“Stop being so hot.” Jongdae says in a whiny, sarcastic tone and a slight smirk dancing on the corner of his mouth.

Jongin snorts as he slides the sweatpants on and falls on Jongdae’s bed, wet head in Jongdae’s lap. “Would if I could.”

Jongdae shoves Jongin’s head off his lap at the cheeky statement. “Shithead.”

Even cheekier than the statement before, Jongin grins and shifts around until the entire length of his body takes one half of Jongdae’s full-sized bed. He turns on his side, watching Jongdae scrolling on his phone.

“I’m gonna have trouble sleeping because of you, hyung.”

“ _You_ wanted to watch a horror movie.”

Jongin fakes a gasp. “And _you_ let me watch.”

“My God,” Jongdae rolls his eyes, “you’re such a kid.”

“Am not!”

Jongdae chuckles, placing his cell on the nightstand next to him and shutting the lamp off. He lies next to Jongin, but his back is facing Jongin. Jongdae pulls the blanket over himself, and exhales. Jongin pokes Jongdae’s back.

“Don’t sleep yet, hyung.” he whines, pouting. He nuzzles into Jongdae’s back.

Jongin feels Jongdae tense. Albeit it only last for a moment, as a little snort comes out. Jongin clenches his fist and hits Jongdae’s shoulder with it, causing the elder male to break out into a fit of laughter.

“Why are you like this…” Jongin pouts more and hits Jongdae again. “I hate you.”

Slowly, Jongdae turns over and pats Jongin’s damp hair. “Love you too, Nini.”

A grin splits on Jongin’s face. Jongdae continues to pet his hair, relaxing him. It’s quiet, but the quiet is really nice and Jongin could fall asleep to this right now. Humming resonates in Jongin’s ears — Jongdae’s gentle, comforting humming. Jongin’s body goes numb and his eyelids grow heavy. Nothing makes Jongin fall asleep faster, nor does anything calm Jongin more than Jongdae’s humming. It’s a weird effect Jongdae has on Jongin when he strokes Jongin’s hair, and sings or hums a song. It makes Jongin feel vulnerable and more so akin to a child, even if he’s twenty-two now. Jongdae has done that since they were younger, and the same effect still comes onto Jongin every single time.

Jongin gives into the dark of night soon enough, but before he fully falls into a slumber, he feels something touch his forehead, and hears Jongdae whisper, “Sleep well. I’m sure you’ll know everything soon, love.”

_Love…?_

 

  
_The sky is dotted with white against a black canvas, along with the moon shining bright into the earth. A cool breeze is in the summer air. A boy, maybe seventeen, quietly runs in the palace hallways toward the secret exit that even he guards know nothing about. He attempts to make himself invisible anytime he hears a guard even remotely close to his path. He hopes his lover has not waited long, with how careful he is being right now._

_The boy sighs mentally, and starts a run again. When he finds the exit, he finds himself grinning wide and rushing out as fast as he can._

_A tree stands in front of the exit, where a shorter man waits, staring up at the night sky. His name is Kim Dae. He wears a common outfit, despite his rank. An airy, long robe, and the boy can see the bottoms of comfortable shoes under the dress. His hair is down, now, just like the prince’s is. Tonight would not be the first time they meet in secret. Albeit, the night feels special to the boy. On clear, beautiful nights like this, he and Dae would walk the gardens outside the palace walls. But the young prince has an inkling, that maybe, just maybe, there will be something more._

_Perhaps it is nothing but his overwhelming happiness to see his brother’s, the king’s, right hand man, though. He rarely ever sees him anymore._

_Dae looks up, and the smile he gives makes the prince’s knees weak. His smile is beautiful, reminds the boy of a cat like animal with how his lips curl up._

_The prince sprints to and hugs Dae tightly, which Dae laughs to and strokes the boy’s long hair._

_“Excited to see me, are you not?” Dae says, releasing the younger male and his hands on the prince’s waist._

_“It has been a while, that is all…”_

_Dae’s smile is light and genuine and it makes the prince’s heart flutter. The boy blushes and Dae coos, kissing the royal’s cheek adoringly._

_“Shall we go, then, Prince Jongin?”_

_The boy, Jongin, hums, grasping the hand Dae held out and twining their fingers together. Dae leads him quietly._

_Behind the palace, there is a forest, and if they go far enough, there is also a clearing in the forest. That clearing is special to Dae and Jongin — the place they became close, the place they shared a kiss they knew was dangerous. And then another…and another…and they shared them until their lips were left swollen and nothing but warmth surrounded their bodies._

_They go there every night they can now. They talk until it feels like their voices might disappear. Dae coaxes Jongin to sleep with a sweet song, a kiss to his head, cheeks, and a short, albeit passionate one to his mouth. When sunrise comes, Dae would wake Jongin and they would run back to the palace, and back to their rooms as quickly and quietly as they could._

_Jongin would love to stay and sleep together all night with Dae. He may love Dae a little too much, and he wishes for the feeling of waking up next to the person he loves. But nothing can be done._

_Dae and Jongin approach the clearing. The moon shines brightly on the pasture, illuminating the white flowers sprinkled about. Dae pulls Jongin gently until he finds the right spot where they wouldn't lay in the flowers. They sit. Jongin is the first to lie in the grass, Dae eventually following after smiling fondly at Jongin. Jongin rests his head on Dae’s chest, and Jongin senses the lingering smile on Dae’s face by the way he kisses Jongin’s head and rests his cheek against Jongin’s hair._

_Serene. That's a feeling Jongin hasn’t had in awhile. Between lessons, and the ever ending stress of his brothers and sisters. Jongin hates the palace, living there, being treated like, well, royalty. It isn't living. That’s why he sneaks out every now and then, walks around the village closest to the palace. He likes to go to the farther part of this forest too, maybe read or draw in the middle of it._

_Then there are times like these. With Dae, late at night, with no other feelings than joy and love. Times like these, Jongin wishes they would just run away together. They would leave all their expensive possessions, go past the clearing, and find the next secluded place they could. They would build a home, and walk to the nearest village together. No one would know who they were, and no one from the palace wouldn't find them._

_Jongin can only dream though. This is their life. They go about in the palace, minding each other’s business, and yet no one will ever know what they are outside the palace._

_Dae lets out a sigh, breaking the silence. He pets Jongin’s hair now, and with his other hand, Dae holds Jongin’s. Jongin, however, can feel Dae shaking a little. It frightens him. Dae never trembles like this._

_Jongin slowly turns over until his on his stomach and his face is turned on Dae’s. His eyes are sad, worried and it frightens Jongin even more to see that. He decides it is best not to ask yet and wraps his arms around Dae’s neck. Jongin’s face presses on the side of his neck, and Dae holds Jongin’s waist. His breath trembles as Dae sighs and brings one hand up to stroke Jongin’s long hair again._

_After a while, Jongin releases Dae and kisses him gently. For now, it is all he can think of to console Dae. He simply does not have the words for this now._

_Dae breaks the kiss, cupping Jongin’s cheeks._

_“What is it, hyung?” Jongin asks this time, carefully._

_Dae bites on his lips, moving a strand behind Jongin’s ear. Jongin can see the fear in Dae’s eyes, and a lump rises in his throat at that._

_“Your brother…”_ The king, _Jongin thinks. “He wants to marry you off.”_

_Something heavy drops in Jongin’s stomach._

_“It’s a princess from another kingdom, Soojung. He wants an alliance with them and this is one of the only ways.”_

_Jongin sees the tears in Dae’s eyes and how hard he is trying to hold them back. Jongin tries too, but they fall one by one. Dae wipes Jongin’s cheeks with his thumbs, and pulls Jongin's head down until their foreheads touch. They remain like that, until Jongin realizes…_

_“Then let's run away.”_

_“Jongin—”_

_“No, hyung, I know what you're going to say and no, I won't go through with it.”_

_For a moment, Dae looks at Jongin as if he grew another head. But then, he smiles. Though it is sad. Dae shakes his head._

_“You must marry her, Jongin.” A tear falls down Dae’s face._

_Jongin compresses his lips. “No! I told the king I never wanted to marry and I will tell him again. He cannot force me.”_

_Dae sits up, frowning. “You would defy the king? And risk your life?”_

_“If it is for us, of course.”_

_“Jongin,” Dae breathes shakily, clutching Jongin’s hand. “We cannot do this anymore.”_

_Tears flood down Jongin’s face again. “Why not? If I marry, it will not change me or what we have made of us. If I do not, then nothing changes. We can stay together, hyung, do you not want that?”_

_Dae casts his eyes to the ground, a strand of his hair falling off his shoulder. “Of course I do. But…” Dae picks at the grass. “It is_ dangerous _. We could both be killed.”_

_Jongin clenches his fists. “Why are you being so cowardly? You said that we would be fine no matter what! You said that when I was terrified of loving and being with you, and now you're the scared one?”_

_No response comes from Dae. Jongin holds Dae’s hands tight, tears sparkling in his eyes. Dae finally looks Jongin in the eye, and Jongin can see his cheeks shining now._

_“Why, Dae?”_

_Dae’s Adam’s apple bobs and he sucks his lips into his mouth. “You know I love you, right?”_

_Jongin nods._

_“Your mother knows.”_

_An even heavier force drops in Jongin’s stomach. “H-how?”_

_Dae licks his lips. “She—she saw you sneak out. And she followed you the other night and saw us. Sh-she threatened me, said if I did not let you go, she would not hesitate to report that I seduced you. She would also tell the king to exile you.”_

_Heat boils in his stomach, and throughout his body. Of course it is his mother. His controlling, evil mother. Jongin shuts his burning eyes, and tilts his head to the sky, sighing._

_“I_ tried _, Jongin. I tried to tell her that I would not get in the way of the wedding. I even told her I would leave the palace and never come back. But she would not have it. Either we stop or she stops us.”_

_Jongin opens his eyes. He swallows down a grunt. Somehow, he manages to smile at Dae again, a much more reassuring one now._

_“Then we should run away.”_

_Dae shakes his head again. “No, Jongin, they will still find us if we do.”_

_“It is worth a try, is it not?”_

_“_ No _, I am not willing to risk your life for that.”_

 _“Why not? It is not just mine, but_ our _lives, Dae.”_

_“Exactly—”_

_“So you would rather not see each other and pretend nothing ever happened between us?”_

_At that, Dae stops, eyes widened. “That is not what I meant.”_

_“What is it, then?”_

_Dae nibbles his lower lip, and lets go of Jongin’s hands. Jongin feels cold._

_“I love you, Jongin, so so_ much _. Truly. I want to remember our times together and my feelings for you… I would never want to forget. But…” Dae swallows. “We cannot do this anymore.”_

_Without thinking, Jongin leans in and kisses Dae’s lips. It is sweet and gentle, even a little hesitant on Jongin’s part since he does not initiate kisses often. Though it does not last long, once again, as Jongin slowly separates from Dae._

_“Jongin—”_

_Albeit, Jongin holds Dae close, with his nose in the crook of Dae’s neck. Dae strokes Jongin’s long hair again, and Jongin becomes vulnerable to the touch. And then he begins humming a lullaby Jongin’s mother used to sing to him. When Jongin could see the good in his mother. Now, she’s nothing but an evil witch that he can’t believe he could ever handle. She’s ruining his and Dae’s lives by tearing them apart. Jongin will not have that. Not in this life._

_“Please,” Jongin whispers desperately. “Let us run away together.”_

_Dae takes slow, deep breaths. “We cannot.”_

_“You are holding back. I know it._ Please _, Dae. We could leave right now.”_

_Dae is quiet a moment. Jongin feels his chest rise and fall against his, and unconsciously syncs his breaths with Dae’s. Fingers play with Jongin’s hair. Yet another sigh leaves Dae’s mouth._

_“Tomorrow night.”_

_Jongin releases Dae, eyes hopeful, and still teary. “Really?”_

_“Yes,” a smile adorns Dae’s lips, “We will go tomorrow night.”_

_Jongin’s heart leaps with excitement, and again, he hugs Dae, but this time with joy and force that has them tumbling onto their backs._

_The rest of the night is spent together, laying in the grass, kissing under the moonlight. It is spent like how all their nights were. Jongin is first to fall asleep, and Dae is the one to smile and comb his fingers through Jongin’s hair. When the sky turns brighter, Dae has to wake Jongin again, and pull him through the woods to get back to his room. Stumbling upon their hidden escapeway, there are no signs of guards or anyone, surprisingly._

_Dae pulls Jongin out of sight from the walkway, just in case._

_“Meet me here again, tonight, okay?”_

_Jongin nods, grinning contagiously. “Of course.”_

_Dae smiles back, places his hand on the back of Jongin’s neck, and pulls down until their lips clash. At first, it’s a kiss Jongin did not expect, but soon he relaxes and moves his mouth with Dae’s._

_“I love you,” Dae says as he breaks the kiss, hands sliding down to Jongin’s waist._

_Jongin responds with a wide smile, and presses their lips together once more. Then, Jongin is off and back to his room._

_Things don’t happen as they planned._

_To say the absolute least, they are both caught._

_The king decides to exile Jongin… and death by hanging for Dae, his right hand. How he, the king, would have the heart for that, Jongin fails to understand._

_Jongin is forced by the former queen to watch Dae’s execution. Rain hits Jongin’s skin and hair. It hits Dae’s bloodied skin and white robe as they lead him, and place the rope around his neck._

_And then, Jongin remembers nothing._

 

 

  
Jongin wakes the next morning, sweat dripping down his forehead and with heaving, stuttering breaths. He runs his fingers through his hair, elbows on his knees as he tries to take everything he saw. Felt. His eyes and body burn with rage and confusion. He swallows hard, holding back tears swelling his his eyes.

_Did I really see him die like that?_

Jongin looks over his shoulder, and sees Jongdae still soundly asleep. His back is facing Jongin and his black hair is in all different directions. A sigh leaves Jongin’s mouth and his shoulders sag. He lies back on the bed, facing Jongdae and scooting over until his forehead rests on Jongdae’s back. His fists clench Jongdae’s t-shirt, and Jongin mentally hopes Jongdae won't wake up yet. A tear falls. Jongin breathes.

“Don't scare me like that…”

Jongdae shifts, which makes Jongin internally panic a bit, and scoot away. Jongdae turns over into his other side now, eyes half open and a lazy smile on his face.

“You okay?” he asks.

Jongin shakes his head hesitantly. “Not really.”

The smile on Jongdae’s face fades slowly. “Bad night?”

“Yeah.”

Jongdae grabs Jongin’s wrist and pulls him closer. Jongin moves with Jongdae's hand, and can't help but stuff his face in Jongdae’s neck, like the him that did with the Jongdae in his dream. The dream was so vivid, right down to how every detail of Jongdae’s body is drawn. Jongdae is as warm as dream Jongdae. As safe. The way Jongdae holds Jongin gives him a sense of love, security.

_Love, huh?_

They were _in love_ in that dream. They kissed numerous times, and Jongin remembers how nice it felt. Jongdae’s lips were soft in the dream, and he was nothing but gentle and sweet with every touch. Jongin wonders how it would feel now. He wonders if that dream was a sign for something more than it being vivid.

For now, though, Jongin just wants to stay in Jongdae’s arms and never leave. At least until one has to get up and shower or something. He doesn't want to think about that dream right now. But Jongdae’s warmth, his arms surrounding him and his hands occasionally petting Jongin’s hair out of habit, makes Jongin think of the Jongdae in the dream. His desire to kiss Jongdae becomes greater and greater, and his lips tingle at the thought (or memory) of it.

He _has_ to. Now or never.

Jongin removes his head from the crook of Jongdae’s neck, staring up at him. His eyes fall on Jongdae’s lips — not too full like Jongin’s, but also not as thin as someone else’s like Junmyeon’s or even Baekhyun’s. His upper lip is a little fuller than his bottom, and their a pinkish color Jongin finds he likes a lot. Jongin looks at Jongdae’s eyes then, which stare at him with curiosity, concern.

“Jongin?”

That is Jongin’s breaking point. Before Jongin can comprehend it, he connects his mouth with Jongdae’s. Jongdae doesn't reciprocate it immediately, in fact it takes almost too long for Jongin. He attempts to move his lips more against Jongdae’s, waiting for a reaction. Soon, though, Jongdae melts into it. He finds it strange how they feel almost the exact same as they did in the dream — soft, sending the same tingles and warmth. Jongin feels Jongdae’s hand touch his cheek, the tips of his fingers in Jongin’s hair. Jongin parts his lips, shyly licking Jongdae’s top lip. Jongdae opens his mouth and allows Jongin to take control for a moment to experiment. Jongin traces Jongdae’s (perfect) mouth with his tongue and can't help but release a tiny sound of satisfaction when Jongdae takes over next.

 _Way better than kissing Byun_ , Jongin says to himself. Not that Baekhyun was a terrible kisser, but with how much Jongin hates Baekhyun now, kissing Baekhyun is tainted.

Gradually, Jongin gets on his back, with Jongdae over him and their lips never leaving or the rhythm of their kiss stopping. Everything feels so _good_ and Jongin would wish it to last a little longer. But suddenly, panic overwhelms him.

_This could ruin everything._

Jongin pushes on Jongdae's chest, and their lips separate. Heavy breaths come from both their mouths, and all Jongin can do is stare at Jongdae, eyes half-lidded and lips slightly swollen.

When Jongin fully comes to his senses, he manages to sit upright, and Jongdae leans back on his heels slowly. Jongdae swallows. His lips are parted, and there’s something in his eyes that Jongin definitely does not like.

“Uhm… I’m sorry, hyung, I…” Jongin stares down at his fingers to avoid eye contact with Jongdae.

“Don’t.”

Jongin looks up this time. Jongdae has gotten off the bed now, and he’s reading out of the bedroom.

“Forget about it, if you must.”

A heavy weight falls on Jongin’s chest as Jongdae leaves.

 

 

The once warm colored leaves have begun falling from their branches, and the air has turned colder and crisp. Grey-white clouds swallow the sky more so than the sun shines. Any sane person bundles up in a thick coat, scarves, and knit caps. It is that time of year again. Where at the beginning of November, Christmas lights fill the city and everyone seems so happy and full of excitement.

Not Jongin. Normally, he quite enjoys this time, between spending time with his closest friends and family members, and when he and Jongdae were going to the same university, they would spend holidays together because it's so far from home.

This year doesn't feel the same. He has barely spoken to Jongdae in the past few weeks, with Jongdae busy with winter songs for different idols, and Jongin with midterms. Then there is the fact, that they kissed. And it was _amazing_.

Moments like that are fleeting, though. Things could change if anything more was to come out from that.

Even so, Jongin has not been able to get it off his mind. The dream he had that night, as well, has been replaying and replaying many a time again. He even has the same dream sometimes, reminding him of the things he felt after the dream and in the moment of the kiss. He hasn't told anyone about it, or about he and Jongdae kissing that morning. He doesn't know if he wants to. A part of him really wants to forget it all and go back to normal (Lord knows if that will happen), and another… he wants to remember it and maybe, just maybe, believe something good will come from it.

Or maybe he’s delusional.

Jongin sighs as he leaves his last exam room. It wasn't hard, but studying for that one was terribly exhausting. Plus he was tossing and turning all night. Not that Philosophy class will affect him in the long run. He pulls his blue scarf up to his chin, letting out a big yawn and checking his phone for any texts from family. Or Jongdae. There's one from his sister, but it isn't anything important so he ignores it for the moment and stuffs his phone back in his pocket.

He walks outside, and is immediately hit with harsh, cold wind, that makes him put his hood up. The cold is almost unbearable today, enough to claim that it might snow. Jongin keeps his hands in his pockets for some form of warmth.

“Jongin!”

He recognizes that voice. Sehun. Jongin turns slowly, and sees the slightly taller male running to him. He throws an arm around Jongin’s shoulders as soon as he gets to Jongin, a grin on his face.

“What do you say we go out for a bit?” Sehun suggests.

Jongin scoffs. “I’m not going clubbing with you, Sehun.”

“No no, I know _that_ , you're kind of too good for that.”

Jongin rolls his eyes at that. “Okay, so, where then?”

“Anywhere you want, bro. My treat.”

His only response for a moment is to cock an eyebrow up at Sehun. The younger keeps staring at him intently, until Jongin gives and shrugs.

Jongin chooses the café he and Jongdae were at last with friends (and Baekhyun). The atmosphere has always been really warm and nice there, with friendly employees and the mix of chestnut brown and ocean blue colors inside. Weirdly, the place gives Jongin a sense of home. It reminds him of his mother’s kitchen, in a way. He likes that.

When they finally sit down with some hot chocolate, Sehun asks on a whim: “What's been going on with you?”

Jongin cannot find it in him to answer Sehun. Besides Jongdae, Sehun is the only other person Jongin finds he can trust. They’ve been friends since high school, actually, and clicked instantly despite Sehun’s rebellious, bratty personality (at the time) and Jongin’s smart, too good one. Jongdae was a bit jealous when Jongin and Sehun began hanging out. It was quite adorable really.

Usually he would tell Sehun straight up everything on his mind, but right now, it’s all too painful to talk about. What could he say, honestly?

Sehun lets out a long sigh, before leaning in slightly. “Listen. You've been acting _weird_ the past few weeks and it’s kinda scaring me and the others, please don’t push me away.”

When Sehun was thirteen, his best friend was found dead — overdosed on some type of medication his dad took. It was a suicide. Sehun never said why he killed himself, or really talked about it in general. All he has said is he wished he was there for Yixing, his best friend, more. Maybe it wouldn't have happened. So Sehun tries harder to be that type of friend. He is there for everyone, even as the youngest one in their circle of friends. He’s whiny and honestly full of himself at times, but he cares. He cares _a lot_ , Jongin cannot believe it sometimes.

 _Pushing Sehun away sounds_ really _terrible._

Jongin draws in a deep breath. He lets it out slowly, and says, “I kissed Jongdae-hyung.”

At that moment, Sehun was sipping on his hot cocoa. He practically chokes on it. Jongin inwardly panics. But soon Sehun has caught his breath and he looks at Jongin with complete shock.

“You _what_ now?”

“I don’t know, I _kissed_ him, Sehun. And it was nice and I can't stop thinking about it and he and I haven't talked since then and I’m really worried he hates me right now—”

“Whoa, whoa, slow down. First, why did you kiss him?”

Jongin presses his lips in a thin line, and he stares down at his hot chocolate. “I—I had a dream?”

“A dream.” confirms Sehun.

“Yeah, it was like…” Jongin lifts his head and feels his heart beating hard against his chest by just thinking of the dream, and now he's _talking_ about it. “I don't know, hyung and I were lovers in the dream and our love was forbidden apparently? But it felt so real, and we kissed a few times in the dream and it felt really good there. I guess I wanted the same feeling?”

Jongin looks at Sehun, and sees that he nodded his head. Sehun hums, arms crossed over his chest.

“So I did and he kissed me too… and it was even better and now I don't know what to feel or think. I keep seeing that dream and craving the same sensation.”

Sehun parts his lips, and sits upright. “Can you explain the dream to me?”

Jongin hesitates.

_What's the damage? Sehun already knows the aftermath of it._

Jongin explains as much as he can. Their social statuses, the bittersweet events of the night, and then, Jongdae’s execution. When he comes to the last part, Jongin breaks. Tears fall. His voice cracks a few times. Seeing one of the most important people die in front of him is something he never thought he would go through — even if it might have been just a dream. As Jongin finally cannot contain himself, Sehun comes around the table to Jongin’s booth, and embraces him. It doesn't cause much of a scene, as they are on a more secluded side of the café, so Jongin burrows his face in Sehun’s neck and cries. Sehun continually rubs Jongin’s back and, with his other hand, he pets the back of Jongin’s head.

“It's okay,” whispers Sehun.

Jongin does not know how long he stays in Sehun’s arms. He calms down after a while, but Sehun still holds him even after. Sehun’s body is bigger than Jongdae’s, and leaner, but even Sehun can't beat Jongdae in this type of position, no matter how close the two are. Jongdae has the ability to make Jongin feel vulnerable and a certain type of love that he never even had with Baekhyun. Yes, he loved Baekhyun once. Albeit, Jongdae still beat Baekhyun in everything. Sehun can help Jongin feel safe at least, but that love? Not even _Sehun_ can do that.

It was Jongdae. _It has always been_ Jongdae.

Jongin lifts his head and Sehun releases Jongin. With his lips slightly parted, Jongin wipes his face.

“Feel better?” Sehun chuckles a little.

“Maybe,” Jongin smiles sheepishly.

Sehun squeezes his hand before moving back to the opposite side of the table. Jongin takes a swig of his hot chocolate and breathes slowly.

“Sorry about that…” Jongin says with a red hue ringing his cheeks.

Sehun shakes his head, grinning. “Don’t worry about it, Jongin. Now,” he leans his arms on the table, this time his expression serious. “Do you want my honest advice and opinion on this?”

Jongin nods. “Please.”

“Talk to Jongdae-hyung about everything.”

Jongin pales. A heavy pit drops in his stomach. He swallows a hard lump in his throat.

“He’ll think I’m crazy or something.”

“You know that's not true. Jongdae-hyung is your best friend. He loves you more than anything, why would he think of you that way?”

The swirls in Jongin’s hot chocolate are truly fascinating right about now.

“Nothing good will come if you avoid it, you know. Kissing each other won't ruin a friendship. Avoiding the topic — _that_ will fuck it up big time.”

 

 

  
December comes around. It’s been two weeks since he spoke to Sehun about everything, and he’s gone through those weeks with exams and thinking about the advice Sehun gave. The exams are over and done with — one stress factor off his shoulders.

Now it’s figuring out how to mend a once perfect friendship. One he misses oh so dearly and wishes they would be back to normal.

The dream has dwindled down to at most twice in a week. He wakes up the same, every time he has it. In tears, with Jongdae's name being the first one on his tongue. He wishes he could control the dream, that he could have protected Jongdae somehow. But the dream never changes. Not even the details of the palace he runs in, nor the pasture they meet in.

Today, Jongin plans on visiting Jongdae at work. It’s been too long and he cannot wait any longer. Upon arrival, he stops at the front desk, greeted with a young woman typing away at her computer.

She smiles pleasantly. “Can I help you, sir?”

“Uhm, I’m looking for Kim Jongdae. He’s a lyricist here.”

The woman hums, types again, and then picks up the phone, dialing an extension number. “Hello, Mr. Kim, there is a man here to see you.”

Jongin stares at the ground, the marble design used as a distraction from Jongin’s nerves and beating heart.

“Alright, will do.”

Jongin looks up briefly, biting his lip. “Is he busy?”

“He said he was packing up now. He should be down in a few moments, if you want to wait.”

“Thank you.”

Jongin bows respectfully and finds a seat. He twiddles his fingers, and his knee bounces. His breaths come out long and deep. “A few moments” feels like an eternity. He tries so hard to relax, but it becomes too difficult eventually that he ends up pacing around, running his hands through his messy hair, and biting his nails.

Why must he be so nervous now? It’s _Jongdae_ , his best friend. There is no reason for—

“J-Jongin?”

The voice causes Jongin's heart to skip. Jongin whips his head around, and his heart beats faster at the sight of Jongdae. He seems tired, with the dark circles under his eyes and his now _blonde_ hair a bit messy. Jongdae wears the black coat and baby blue and pink striped scarf Jongin gave him for Christmas last year, jeans under the coat, and white sneakers. The fact that Jongdae is wearing them right now makes Jongin’s stomach fluttery and he doesn't know why.

Jongin stalks closer to Jongdae, and finds it in himself to smile shyly.

“Hey, hyung.”

Jongdae swallows, and chews on his lips.

“I, uhm… I wanted to see you…” Jongin breathes deeply, squeezing Jongdae’s hand like they always did. “And I wanna talk.”

The smile forming on Jongdae’s face relieves Jongin. “Then we should head out then, huh?”

Jongin grins and nods. Then he pulls Jongdae in for a hug, head resting on Jongdae’s shoulder. The smile he had now disappeared and tears start in his eyes again. But he doesn't let them fall. Not yet. His heart sinks a little when he realizes Jongdae hasn't squeezed him back.

To prevent possibly any more pain, Jongin lets go. Jongdae looks stunned and Jongin doesn't know why.

But Jongdae smiles again. “Come on, let’s go. We can talk at my place.”

Jongdae guides Jongin to his white car, and suddenly Jongin’s knees feel weak. His heart beats so loud and fast, it starts pounding in his ears and hurts his chest. His body goes numb, and he stops walking after they exit the building. The bitter cold air doesn't help Jongin any.

After not too long, Jongdae realizes Jongin has to followed him. Jongdae frowns, turning toward his best friend.

“What's wrong?” he asks as he walks closer to Jongin again.

Jongin only looks at Jongdae and feels. His fingertips prickle, wanting so desperately to reach out and hold Jongdae’s hand. His lips are tingling, as if screaming at Jongin, _why haven't you kissed him yet!_ He searches Jongdae’s face. He doesn't know what he is supposed to be looking for but his vision flashes — and suddenly, Jongdae is Dae. The man in the dream Jongin has had for so long. He is looking up at Jongin with a concerned pain in his eyes. As a breeze flows by, his long hair moves with it.

Dae comes closer, and his hand squeezes Jongin’s arm. “Jongin,” he says. “Talk to me.”

It is not the formal language he was using in the dream. It is the language Jongdae has always used, relaxed and informal. Hearing that is strange but it is nice too.

“Hey.”

Suddenly Jongdae is back and his hand is to Jongin’s cheek, and he is wiping the tears from Jongin’s face. Jongin did not even realize he was crying now. A dry lump rises in his throat. Jongdae hooks one arm around Jongin’s waist, and one around his neck, and pulls him closer. Their bodies touch. Jongin has never felt more complete than he does right now. He doesn't make a sound, if he does, it is muffled into Jongdae’s shoulder. Jongin missed this, Jongdae’s real touch, his scent, the gentle way his fingers glide down Jongin’s hair.

Jongin wishes time would stop, just for a little while.

Alas, all good things must end. They separate, and Jongdae chuckles at Jongin’s wet cheeks.

“Seriously, kid, you're too handsome to cry.”

Jongin smiles a little at that as Jongdae dries the younger’s cheeks.

“You wanna talk somewhere else, or—”

Jongin shakes his head. “No, I want to go to your place. If that's okay…”

“Of course it is,” Jongdae messes up Jongin’s fringe. “Come on.”

For the duration of the drive, Jongdae makes small talk about work, and how he’s been. He seems well, but Jongin can tell there's something that hurts more than Jongin could imagine right now. Just by the way Jongdae’s voice sounds saying “I’ve been really good,” whatever it is screams in the shake of his voice. Jongin hopes it is not because of him. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Jongdae.

Jongdae eventually parks his car in front of his apartment complex, and they make it up to Jongdae’s place without much conversation.

Everything is still the same, a bit messy but not atrocious. The couch is still the same black, leather one Jongdae practically tortured Jongin on with a tickling attack. It makes Jongin’s heart warm and his body relaxes a little. He takes his coat, scarf off, hanging them on the rack at the door, along with his black combat boots. He walks toward the couch and sits on the end of it, pulling his long legs in towards his body. Jongdae comes up behind him, and places his hands on Jongin’s shoulders.

“You want anything?”

Jongin shakes his head no. “I just wanna talk, hyung. _Please_.”

Jongdae doesn't respond, and walks around to the other side of the couch, sitting and facing Jongin. Jongin’s chest is heavy, and his ears pulse. He has to do this. No matter how terrified he is, this needs to be done, before everything goes to hell. Jongin inhales deeply, and turns his head to Jongdae.

“I had a dream, the night I last saw you,” Jongin begins. “And it was… too real. It was good, but only for a short few moments, and…”

Jongin really, _really_ tries not to cry again. All he does is cry these days, and he doesn't like it. It’s too much. He swallows, and looks at his knees.

“What was it about, Nini?”

_Nini. God, I missed that too._

“There was you and me… in some traditional era, I couldn't tell when and we were in love,” Jongin’s voice trembles on love. “It wasn't right in the eyes of the king there, and he… he executed you in front of me and…”

He’s fucking crying again. _Stop. Stop stop stop, you're weak!_

Jongdae licks and bites his lip. “What was my name?”

Jongin looks up this time, and blinks his teary eyes. “Uh-uh, Kim Dae.”

“Why was it wrong?”

“B-because I was a prince. You were the king’s right hand. And both men…”

Jongdae holds Jongin’s hand. “Is there anything else… that stood out to you?”

Jongin thinks for a moment. Then: “We planned to run away. Because my mother wanted to marry me off.” Jongin nibbles his lower lip. “And, uhm…” he feels his cheeks flush with heat, and he is sure he’s beat read about now. “W-we kissed, a lot… and it felt nice.”

Jongdae smiles at that.

“I kissed you, hyung, because I wanted the same feeling, I think. I wondered what it felt like to _actually_ kiss you. So…”

“It's okay, Jongin.” Jongdae is smiling wide, and even his face is slightly colored with a red hue. Jongin thinks it's really cute. “But, I’m going to tell you something really really crazy, and you _have_ to promise me you’ll believe me and won't leave.”

Jongin nods.

“I had the same dream—no, _memory_.”

_Memory?_

“You _what?_ ”

Jongdae breathes, and holds both of Jongin’s hands. “When I was nineteen, I had the same thing happen. I thought it was a dream for so long, but then I kept seeing it. It felt real, like it all actually happened.”

Jongin furrows his eyebrows. “How is that…?”

“So I did some research. I ended up finding out, what I was seeing wasn't just a dream, but a memory. One from a past life. Before I knew it, I had more and more memories come, and they all had one thing in common.”

“What was that?”

Jongdae sits himself closer to Jongin, and moves Jongin’s fringe from his eyes. “ _You_.”

Jongin’s lips part. His whole body tingles, and his heart races fast against his chest. “M- _Me_.”

“You. You were in every memory, every life I lived,” Jongdae smiles softly. “Whether we crossed paths once or we fell in love, you were there. And now,” Jongdae takes Jongin’s hand and twines their fingers together. “You're _here_. You're my best friend, someone I love more than anyone else in the world. You know me, you make me happy. That’s all I could ask for.”

Jongin smiles, and realizes Jongdae’s face is a little closer now. He does not mind it.

“You think I could see the other memories someday?”

Jongdae’s other hand lands on Jongin’s cheek, drying the remaining tears in his eyes. “I hope you can. There are much, _much_ happier ones than the first one. Even if they all ended badly, there were happier times.”

A pang hits at Jongin’s chest. “They ended badly?”

“Unfortunately.”

“Then what about us _now?_ Can we get a happier ending in this life?”

Jongdae smiles again, and Jongin’s heart melts. “We can try, can't we?”

They fall into a perfect silence, one where they're simply lost in each other’s eyes. Jongdae’s hand never leaves Jongin’s cheek, his thumb stroking the skin of it. Jongin stares at Jongdae’s mouth a few times, and his own tingles with the desire to kiss Jongdae again.

They’ve been in love… for a _long_ time. Jongin wonders how long ago the first memory was. _Too long._

And now, Jongin feels it. The love he has had for Jongdae, for as long as he can remember. He can feel Jongdae’s gaze screaming with a declaration of undying love. Why didn't he realize it sooner? Why did Jongdae know for so long and cause himself so much pain because Jongin was still clueless?

He regrets not noticing Jongdae being even more affectionate in the past years. Not noticing how truly wonderful he is and how much Jongdae loves Jongin. He wishes he knew so much sooner. Maybe before Jongdae.

But it is what it is.

Jongdae leans in a little more now. Their noses are brushing together and foreheads touch. Jongdae’s breath ghosts on Jongin’s skin. Jongin parts his mouth with anticipation.

“Kiss me.”

Jongdae does exactly that. Lips touch, and move swiftly, passionately. Warmth spreads throughout Jongin’s body. Jongdae’s lips are just as sweet and soft as Jongin remembers. Jongdae opens his mouth first, licking into Jongin’s mouth. Jongin moans in the kiss, fingers lacing into Jongdae’s hair. Jongdae pats Jongin’s knees, and Jongin gets the signal to put them down. Jongdae straddles Jongin’s hips, lips never separating.

They keep up like that until Jongdae breaks the kiss, and starts trailing his mouth on Jongin’s jawline and neck. Jongin releases a lewd moan, as Jongdae also slowly grinds on Jongin. The roll of Jongdae's hips is so perfect, and his lips on his neck makes his body hotter with desire. Jongdae rolls his hips just right that has Jongin cursing under his breath. Jongdae’s fingers begin traveling down to the hem of Jongin’s pink sweater, and his hands trace under the shirt. He holds Jongin’s waist, and brings his mouth back up to Jongin’s lips into a hot kiss, that has the younger’s breath hitching.

It doesn't last too long. When Jongdae breaks it, he rests his head against Jongin’s and pants.

“Bedroom?” Jongdae asks with a heavy breath.

Jongin grins lazily. “Up to you.”

Jongdae climbs off of Jongin, grabs his hand, and pulls him toward Jongdae’s room.

One thing happens after another. The reunion of their lips and the discarding of their clothing. Finally falling onto the bed, and their fingers running up and down each other’s bodies. Jongdae kissing all over Jongin’s body, leaving no area of skin untouched. It makes Jongin feel cherished, the way Jongdae touches him, kisses him. No one else can do that.

How is it Jongin failed to realize that? Jongdae has _always_ put Jongin first, made him feel special, atop of his pedestal. Jongin still failed to see it. Even in the past five years, since Jongdae saw those memories, and put Jongin even higher. And Jongin was still blind to it. Now, it is more apparent than ever.

Jongdae sucks a mark onto Jongin’s neck, Jongin caught in a moan of pleasure as Jongdae’s lubed fingers bury inside him. Jongin tangles his fingers in Jongdae’s blonde hair, and Jongdae crooks his own up, hitting just the right spot. Jongin’s lips roll into his mouth, suppressing another cry. Jongdae kisses the spot he has made on Jongin’s neck, adding a third finger and spreading them. Jongin’s breaths are shallow, and tears form in his eyes. Heat takes over his body.

Not long after, Jongdae has slicked himself up, rolled a condom on, and slid inside Jongin. A whimper exits Jongin’s mouth, and he holds onto Jongdae, forehead in Jongdae’s shoulder. Jongdae remains still a few moments, and lets Jongin adjust. Jongin’s heavy breaths even out. He nods at Jongdae, who was staring at him with concern. Jongdae moves his hips slowly out of Jongin, and back in, hitting Jongin’s prostate almost immediately. Jongin breathily moans, and Jongdae’s mouth meets Jongin's neck again. He swivels his hips in a slow and deep motion that has Jongin beginning to thrash around. Their lips align in a messy kiss, Jongdae’s hands on Jongin’s hips, and Jongin’s back in the elder’s hair.

The rate of Jongdae’s thrusts increases gradually, until both are moaning, on the brink of orgasm. Jongin comes first, untouched and with a rather loud moan. Jongdae snaps his hips faster and faster, and finishes next with a guttural groan. His thrusts slow and stop. Jongdae collapses on top of Jongin, but doesn't pull out just yet, as uncomfortable as the semen-filled condom is about now. Jongin keeps his arms around Jongdae’s neck, his breaths steadier than before. Jongdae feels warmer than before, and with their bodies together like this, they are even more complete than ever. Jongin does not want to let go, just yet.

In the moment, Jongin sees a vision. It’s so so short, therefore he cannot process everything he sees completely. But what he notices is two men, who love each other more than anything in the world. However the world refuses to let them be one. It’s forbidden, illegal even.

At least one of them never gives up. One of them will fight for the other, save them, whatever it takes. That is a constant Jongin also notices between this one, and the first one he had. It warms Jongin. Hopefully he — or Jongdae — is brave enough _now_ to fight like themselves in their other lives.

Maybe they’ll have a better ending this time. They can _try_. That's what Jongdae said.

After a bit, Jongdae pulls himself out, and gets off the bed. He isn't gone for long, because he comes back moments later with a wet cloth. As he cleans Jongin off, Jongdae smiles down at him, a sweet and delicate one that makes Jongin’s insides flutter. When he's finished, they lie down, with Jongin’s head in Jongdae’s chest, their legs tangled, and the bedsheets pulled over them.

Jongin cannot help but smile. He’s happy. It’s been a long time since he's been this happy. Maybe too long, longer than he has lived in this life. He cannot say though. He doesn't know yet.

“You wanna know something?”

Jongin hums sleepily in response.

“I had the biggest crush on you in high school,” Jongdae laughs.

A smile lingers on Jongin’s lips. “That's cute.” The smile disappears. “I wish I’d known.”

Jongdae kisses Jongin’s head. “It's okay, don't worry about it. I say crush because it was fleeting at the time.”

Jongin lifts his head, eyebrows furrowed.

“But now, it’s real.”

Jongin's cheeks warm. He smiles shyly, nuzzling back in Jongdae’s chest.

“I love you,” Jongdae breathes. “I love you so much, Jongin.”

For a few moments, Jongin has no idea how to respond. He’s just finally realized he feels the same way… but is it too soon? At least, for them in this life?

Then again, saying the same back would be nothing but the truth. Jongin would rather be truthful than doubtful, when it comes to this.

So Jongin lifts his head up again, kisses Jongdae softly, and after he pulls away: “I love you too.”

Jongdae grins widely, and presses his lips to Jongin’s again. Jongin smiles into the kiss, arms back around Jongdae’s neck, and Jongdae’s on the small of the younger man’s back. It’s broken again by Jongdae, with his fingers poking at Jongin’s sides and Jongin squealing.

 

 

  
The next morning, Jongin wakes up with Jongdae still next to him, the blanket as the only thing covering his bare body. Jongdae woke up before Jongin, him gazing at Jongin with love when Jongin opens his eyes blearily. Jongdae is petting Jongin's hair again, and Jongin thinks he is humming too.

Jongin whines quietly, allowing himself to bury himself in Jongdae’s embrace. He doesn't want to wake up yet. Jongdae chuckles, planting a kiss in Jongin’s hair.

“Morning, sleeping beauty.”

“Shut up, it's too early…”

“It’s ten o’clock, Jong.”

Jongin whines again. “Too early, hyung.”

How Jongdae gets Jongin out of bed within the next fifteen minutes, Jongin will never know. They take a shower together and put some clothes on, but Jongin pulls himself together much slower with his half-sleeping state.

Soon enough, Jongdae is putting his coat and scarf on, and hands Jongin’s over.

“Where are we going?” Jongin asks, slipping his coat on.

Jongdae smiles, taking Jongin’s scarf and wrapping it around his neck. “Well, I have a short meeting at noon, and we can't cook for shit, so I think breakfast at the café we always go to would be nice.”

“What, like a date?”

“If that's what you wanna call it,” Jongdae grins cheekily.

Jongin rolls his eyes. Jongdae laughs, leaning up and placing a kiss on Jongin’s cheek. He then takes Jongin’s hand, threads their fingers together, and pulls Jongin out of his apartment.

 

 

After breakfast, they decide to walk to Jongdae's work, as it isn't that far, and it just means a little more time together. Their hands are entangled, and Jongdae had put both of their hands in his pocket, keeping them warm against the bitter cold air. It snowed last night, and it still sprinkles now, but there is definitely a thicker blanket of white on the ground.

“You wanna wait in the lobby for me?” Jongdae asks when they stop in front of the entrance to the building. “I shouldn't be more than an hour.”

Jongin nods. “I’ll wait for you.”

“Okay,” another smile appears on Jongdae’s face. He kisses Jongin firmly on the mouth, before they both enter and Jongdae runs to the elevator for his meeting.

Jongin sits in the seat he did yesterday, and smiles to himself. The morning has been nice, Jongdae giving his undivided attention to Jongin, and showering him with affection Jongin has craved for so long.

His eyelids suddenly feel heavy. He tries not to close them, but a sudden tiredness overwhelms him. The light is too bright. People are too loud. He just wants to sleep, he wants Jongdae. And before he knows it, he lets sleep overcome him.

 

 

  
_Warm water. Sea creatures all around. Green seaweed in every part of the ocean._

_Kai hates it though. It gets boring to live as a merman, and for many decades. The ocean never changes, for him. All the other merfolk are boring, and they think him weird, so he cannot make friends, let alone keep them. Squids and fish are weird, and if anything, one or the other becomes a meal for him._

_He wonders what it is like at the surface. Kai has seen boats float atop, but never has he seen land. He has been curious about the creatures called humans since he was a youngling. Others say they look like merpeople, but without a tail. Kai always thought that was strange and tried to figure out what they would move with. Nothing ever made sense, however._

_Maybe he could float up to the surface, just this once. No one has to know — not even his parents._

_When night falls, Kai manages to escape his home without disturbing his family. He swims fast, and looks up, the surface glistening with a strange white light. He decides it is a perfect time to swim up, so he maneuvers his tail until his head is past the top of the water._

_He spins around, looking for something that seems different than the water. His eyes fall on one of those boats, albeit it is far away, and heading toward a strange, sandy area. Kai dives back under and swims in that direction, until he notices that the bottom of the ocean has risen. It is almost his length, and he panics, rising back to the surface. He breathes deeply and sees how close he is to the boat now._

_There is someone on the boat. They have the same top as Kai does, but he cannot see what they would move around with. Kai debates on whether he should approach. Would he scare the human?_

_Ah, but he is simply too curious._

_He swims above water, until he reaches the back of the boat. He grabs it._

_“Hey!” Kai yells._

_The human on the boat screeches, whipping their head around. Kai’s breath hitches at this human’s beauty. It seems to be male, one with black hair like Kai, dark eyes, and a pretty mouth Kai can't help but stare at. He wears some type of cloth over his torso, white, flowy, and black string in the front tied almost to the top. The male’s collarbone is spectacular, Kai thinks._

_“Oh my God,” the male exclaims. “Y-you're a…”_

_Kai grins at that. “What gave it away?”_

_“I-I can see your tail, in the water.” The male seems terrified, yet at the same time, ecstatic. “Oh Lord, you're a merman!”_

_“We established that,” Kai laughs, leaning his arms on the back of the boat. “My name is Kai. Who are you?”_

_The male’s tongue peeks from his lips, and oh so beautiful this human is. Well, for a merman who has never seen a human in his life._

_“Chen. My name is Chen.”_

_Many nights pass. Kai has gone up every night to meet with Chen. He finds many things out about the man. Chen is actually his pseudo name — which he described as a fake name to protect himself from fame. He is a writer of mythical creatures of the land and sea, and lives in a kingdom called ‘Exodus.’ His real name is Jongdae. Kai has found he likes that name more, and prefers to call Chen Jongdae instead. It sounds nicer to Kai._

_He has also discovered, humans move with legs. Walking, they call it. It fascinates Kai, and he wonders how it would feel to have his own legs._

_But not only has Kai made many discoveries on humans’ way of life. There is one finding Kai has made, that no merperson has ever made._

_Love. With a_ human _._

_Jongdae is kind, and funny, and better than the merpeople at home. He cares about Kai, asks many questions about his life and even the merfolk’s way of life. Kai generally hates talking about himself, but Jongdae liked listening. Kai likes that._

_One night, Kai is waiting on the rock that they always meet at, and Jongdae is later than usual. It worries Kai to no end and he hopes that Jongdae is not harmed. He wants to tell Jongdae how he feels tonight. Whether or not Jongdae rejects him, Kai must tell him. He knows it will be worth it… hopefully._

_Kai sways his tail back and forth, huffing and pouting. He is becoming impatient. Jongdae should_ be here _by now. Kai gazes up at the sky, sighing once more. Maybe he is not coming._

_May as well give up then._

_Kai dives back into the water._

_He is not sure how much time has passed. All Kai knows is that he waits, every night, for Jongdae to come. He never comes back. Kai is left, with tears falling down his face._

_It comes to a point, where Kai has almost given up. Where he becomes ill. Because a disease has come of the merpeople and they can't do anything to stop it. Kai will not hold on much longer._

_But he needs to try, just one more time, to wait for Jongdae, before he no longer exists._

_Slowly, he goes up to where they met, so long ago. Before he goes up on the rock, he sees a female human, walking alongside the beach. She’s pretty, with long, dark hair, a long dress, and eyes that Kai is sure he has seen before._

_They look just like Jongdae’s eyes._

_“Excuse me,” Kai calls to her._

_The woman looks at him, just as stunned as Jongdae was when they first met. “Oh my goodness, you startled me!”_

_Kai laughs dryly. “My apologies.”_

_“What are you doing in the water?”_

_A shrug. “I’m just… here, I guess.”_

_The girl tilts her head, then walks into the water, closer to Kai. The bottom of her dress is getting wet now._

_“You're a merman, aren't you?”_

_Kai blinks. She's not even that close to him, how does she know this? He nods slowly._

_“Is… is your name Kai?”_

_What the hell?_

_“Y-yes.”_

_She frowns, walking even closer. Kai begins to back away._

_“Don't worry, I won't hurt you,” she says, “You knew my brother.”_

Jongdae. It's Jongdae’s sister.

_“I’m so glad to have found you, Kai,” she smiles sadly. “Jongdae told me to find you, and bring you a message.”_

_Kai swallows. “Where is he?”_

_Her smile soon turns into a frown, and tears in her eyes. “He died, ten years ago.”_

Oh… so it's been that long, huh?

_Kai holds back the tears rising. He shouldn't cry in front of Jongdae’s little sister. That would be weak._

_“W-what did he say?”_

_The girl breathes deeply. “He said he was sorry he couldn't see you. And that he lied to you about being ill. And… he loved you, Kai.”_

_Kai cannot control it anymore. Tears fall._

_“He loved you so much. He never learned to shut up about you,” she smiles, and it looks just like Jongdae’s beautiful smile. “He wished he could have told you.”_

_A lump rises in Kai’s throat. He puts his head to the rock, letting out a silent sob._

_“I loved him too.”_

 

 

“Jongin.”

He wakes up with a gasp and blinks numerous times. Jongin’s lips part and he feels tears in his eyes. It takes a moment for him to remember where he is and what he is doing here, until he sees Jongdae in front of him, with concern in his eyes.

_That's right. He’s at Jongdae’s work._

Jongin throws his arms around Jongdae’s neck, silently crying into the smaller man’s shoulder. He can feel the stares on them, but Jongin doesn't care right now. He is just glad Jongdae is okay.

Jongdae rubs Jongin’s back, hushing him consolingly.

Soon enough, Jongin is calm. Jongdae pulls back, holding Jongin's face in his hands and drying it.

“It's okay, Nini. I’m right here.” Jongdae says, resting their foreheads together. “I’m right here, okay?”

Jongin nods his head. He bites his lip, Jongdae kissing his teary eyelids and giving him a moment to collect himself. When Jongin has, they stand up, and leave the building, hands together once again.

It’s begun snowing a little harder, the flakes clumped together and falling like powdered sugar. Jongdae doesn't ask about it, yet, instead, he is just there, holding Jongin’s hand, and letting him know that he is not alone.

Jongdae remembered those things. He had no one to tell it to, not even Jongin. Because Jongin was still oblivious. How could Jongdae have handled all of it? Jongin can barely handle it, with two memories that send him into a panic attack. He wishes, more than ever, that he knew back then. Jongdae must have been in so much pain, and Jongin couldn't fix it.

When they find the car, Jongdae doesn't start it quite yet. He turns this time, lips tightened.

“I won’t force you to tell me… but if you want to, please do.”

Jongin shakes his head. “I—I’ll tell you.”

Albeit, Jongin cannot find the words yet. It was almost traumatizing, and so painful, how could he have lived a life that way? How did Jongin handle _that?_

Trembling, Jongin grabs Jongdae’s hand. He nibbles on his lip again, breathing.

“I was a merman. You were a writer.”

Jongdae hums knowingly.

“And you suddenly died a-and I had no i-idea and your sister came…”

More tears. _Weak._

Jongdae turns Jongin’s face toward his own. “Calm down, okay, _sshh_ ,” he pulls Jongin in again, planting many kisses in Jongin’s hair.

“H-hyung, are we gonna have bad endings like the two lives I just saw? Is one of us going to die and w-we’ll be torn apart again?” Jongin’s voice shakes. “I–I don't want that, hyung, I don't want us to be like that again…”

Jongdae lets out a shaky sigh. “I don't know, Jongin,” he releases Jongin. “The truth is, _anything_ could happen. But all we can do right now is live as we are now and stay together. We have a _chance_ this time, and we're going to pass it up like that? No.”

Jongin swallows hard.

“Listen to me, and believe me when I say this, Jongin,” Jongdae holds Jongin’s hands tightly. “I love you. I’ve loved you for a thousand years. And I will love you a thousand more to come. Whatever happened to us then, or what happens to us now, that remains forever true.”

There are tears in Jongdae’s eyes, and he is trying so hard not to let them out. Eventually, though, one slips out. Jongin’s heart clenches.

Jongin breathes, putting his forehead on Jongdae's and the tips of their noses brushing. “I love you too, hyung.”

The corners of Jongdae’s lips turn up in a grin. He kisses Jongin’s hands, Jongin’s heart beating fast at the gesture. Their lips meet halfway in a soft kiss, too sweet Jongin doesn't want it to end.

_Every breath… Every hour, has come to this._


End file.
